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I've been standing on the edge of the cliff for years. Today I am leaping off, trusting that God will either catch me or help me fly.
My writing, my music, and my healing journey are all bound up with one another. There is no way to separate them, so I've decided not to fight it anymore.
Yesterday I was spiraling downward. I had just written a list of things I need to do make my dreams a reality. I've been asking God for help, and he's been providing it. He's brought people and events into my life that have helped me clarify what I need to do next. However, I work full-time. I have a wonderful husband, a home, a yard, and 2 doggies to take care of. By necessity, I must work towards this dream in my spare time on my evenings and weekends. I was feeling overwhelmed and afraid to take what I felt was one of my next steps - this blog.
I was thinking, I'm 50 years old. It's too late. I've wasted too much of my life being caught up in other things and now I don't have the energy to make this happen. I headed outside to water our trees and noticed these flowers blooming. In the 10 years that we've lived here, they've never bloomed past the end of July. It's the third week in September and in the middle of dead stems and dying leaves, they are blooming! I felt inspired. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer?
I've been looking for my "life purpose" for over 20 years, often feeling like I'd never find it. What I've come to realize is that I'm already living it to some extent.
Yesterday was my dad's birthday. It's clear to me now that God put my dad into my life to get me on course. My dad created the reason for my lifelong healing journey- the incest and the resulting eating disorder. And what I find to be extraordinarily ironic is that my dad also gave me the tools I've used to heal - the writing and the music.
My dad sang and played the guitar when I was a little girl. He started my love for music and my desire to play the guitar. My dad was also a gifted writer and a speaker. He was a member of Toastmaster's for years and brought home so many trophies. I got to go listen to some of his speeches and I was so proud of him. And yes, my dad also sexually abused me. His actions ripped my psyche into pieces, which I've been finding and mending all of these years.
My life's purpose is to heal myself and then to share that healing with other's through my writing and my music. What others do with what I share is up to them. The part I've been holding back on is the sharing. But as scary as it feels, I feel compelled to share. My dream is to share beyond this website. I want to do motivational concerts and share my story.
I was talking to a friend. She told me, "Nothing that has happened to us is a waste. God uses all of our life experience for his purposes. We may not understand but it all matters."
This is a big year for me. I turned 50. My dad passed away. And I've finally become willing to trust God and to walk through the fear that has been stopping me from sharing. I don't know where it will lead, but God does.
What has fear been holding you back from doing? Are you willing to trust that you're meant to do what you secretly dream? (That last line is from Jana Stanfield's song "If I were Brave.")