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When I got to work this morning, I discovered I had been "flocked." A coworker had donated money to the Luekemia/Lymphoma Society. In return, she got to choose somebody to "flock," which meant a couple of other coworkers decorated my cube with streamers, balloons, and pink flamingos. I sat down in my cube and cried.
The contrast between the fear in my stomach and the fun, joyful decorations struck me. I had been feeling afraid and realized I was thinking negative thoughts about my future.
The fear did not go away and I was having trouble concentrating at work. I pulled out a notebook and decided to write about it. In the writing I came to realize that I don't know what you have in store for me or those I love and that trying to know or control the future was fruitless. I realized that the best thing I could do was to love myself and others and to let my fears about the future go. Most of all, I needed to trust you (God) completely. I took a few deep breaths and let it all go. Every time the thoughts came back into my mind, I reminded myself that I trust you completely and let it all go.
In the past, I often created drama when I was afraid. I might have overeaten sugary foods to satiate the fear and then felt sick and ashamed of myself. I might have called several friends or family members and told them the details of what happened and what I was afraid of and how I didn't know what to do. I might have indulged in the drama for days. In hindsight, this was not a very gentle or loving way to treat myself or my friends.
Today I engaged in a little internal arm-wrestling. I pushed the fear down, trying to supress it. The fear pushed back harder and made its way into my awareness. Then I pushed it down again, and so on. After a few hours, I was tired of the struggle and got out a pen and paper. I wrote. I shed a few more tears in my cubicle. I decided to choose love. I decided to trust you completely.
The arm-wrestling didn't feel gentle or loving either but is an improvement over my old behavior. However, the writing was gentle and loving. Letting myself feel my feelings was gentle and loving. Choosing love and trust in you was gentle and loving.
A friend called me this morning. She said, "Today my heart is full of joy. And I just wanted to call you and tell you that I love you!" She asked, "Do you know why it's full of joy? It's because I've put God first in my life again."
Was that you guiding me through her how to relieve the suffering I was creating?
I am reminded of the saying that "it takes a tribe to raise a child." Today, you worked through a whole "flock" to remind me:
- I do not have to create suffering for myself
- I have tools to process my thoughts and feelings
- I have grown
- I can change my mind - choose love over fear
- I have family, friends, and coworkers who love me
- There is much to be joyful about (according to the pink flamingos and balloons)
- You are guiding me